Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Pope bans everything I don't like!


I've said it before, and I'll say it again - The Pope Rocks!

Vatican City - Today, in a surprise move, his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI made several announcements concerning the celebration of the liturgy.
He has taken the Mass of All Time and made it the Ordinary Rite, with the Novus Ordo now being delegated to second place as the Extraordinary Rite. The Supreme Pontiff, wearing for the first time in many years the Papal Tiara, urged parish priests to "give parishoners a hard time if they request the Extraordinary Rite". "Tell them the parish council on liturgical innovation needs to discuss it first for several months before the request of the faithful is granted, if at all." the Holy Father is quoted as saying in his morning address to the Roman Curia.

"Also", he continued, "if the Extraordinary Rite is granted, there should be no altar girls, no communion in the hand, no Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, and above all, no women in the Sanctuary!" The Pope also decreed that all church buildings "renovated" in the last forty years to either be restored to their pre-Vatican II state, or sold to either baptists or masons.

Additionally, the Holy Father has prepared Writs of Excommunication for church musicians adhering to the "Oregon Catholic Press" Music Worship Service hymnals. "I don't know if I can actually excommunicate them for assaulting God's ears", he said. "but it'll make me feel better."

And to top off the celebration of traditionalism in the modern era, kindling is being gathered for the burning of heretic Marty Haugen at the stake outside St. Peter's Cathedral. It will be televised live from the Vatican Wednesday at 12pm on CTV.

Oh, and by the way - have a nice April's Fool Day!