Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pope bans everything I don't like!

Pope Benedict XVI appears to the throngs for his Wednesday audience where he officially tossed the Novus Ordo out with the bath water, along with several pet peeves that plague your favorite Traditional Catholic blogger.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - The Pope Rocks!

Vatican City - Today, in a surprise move, his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI made several announcements concerning the celebration of the liturgy. He has taken the Mass of All Time and made it the Ordinary Rite, with the Novus Ordo now being delegated to second place as the Extraordinary Rite. The Supreme Pontiff, wearing for the first time in many years the Papal Tiara, urged parish priests to "give parishoners a hard time if they request the Extraordinary Rite". "Tell them the parish council on liturgical innovation needs to discuss it first for several months before the request of the faithful is granted, if at all." the Holy Father is quoted as saying in his morning address to the Roman Curia.

"Also", he continued, "if the Extraordinary Rite is granted, there should be no altar girls, no communion in the hand, no Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, and above all, no women in the Sanctuary!" The Pope also decreed that all church buildings "renovated" in the last forty years to either be restored to their pre-Vatican II state, or sold to either baptists or masons.

Pope Benedict continued to further shock the crowds when he announced that the "...priests of the Society of Saint Pius X will be elevated to Bishops, and will be assuming the duties of several renegade 'Bishops' throughout the world, but will mainly be filling the soon to be vacant seats in America." "Bishop Mahony should invest in some new Birkenstocks cuz he's gonna be hitting the road." the Supreme Pontiff was quoted as saying.

Additionally, the Holy Father has prepared Writs of Excommunication for church musicians adhering to the "Oregon Catholic Press" Music Worship Service hymnals. "I don't know if I can actually excommunicate them for assaulting God's ears", he said. "but it'll make me feel better."

And to top off the celebration of traditionalism in the modern era, kindling is being gathered for the burning of heretic Marty Haugen at the stake outside St. Peter's Cathedral. It will be televised live from the Vatican Thursday at 12pm on CTV.

Oh, and by the way - have a nice April's Fool Day!


Anonymous said...

Ha...I was actually falling for it at first. I like the idea of renovating the churches back to how they were though, and also the one about the music. Happy april fool's ya fool.

- L

Anonymous said...

It was funny then I thought, "hey that's really what I'm praying for to happen!"